So, this blogging thingy slipped my mind while I worked full time, my partner and I kept getting sick and also trying to paint the house and put down new floors…I was also trying to study! I’m enrolled in a Physics/Astronomy degree online and I’m desperate to do it, but I have to do it one subject at a time and even then that’s often too much. Last semester I had to stop halfway through as it was clear I wasn’t going to be able to manage it.
I’ve come to some realisations: I can’t keep working full time and studying. Even when I’m just working I often barely function and I miss out on a lot of family, social or fun stuff. I can probably work part time and study part time, but that will still mean I can’t do things on the weekends if I have to travel at all. My partners family all live 2 hours away so that’s really hard as I love seeing all the little people!
Why this matters to me is that I have pretty much spent my whole life studying or learning in some way. As a child we had an amazing set of Grolier encyclopedias that had year books and a huge maths book covered in a blue sort of material – I used to sit down and do maths for fun! I still do actually, on the Khan Academy app, they’re amazing!! Here check it our for yourself https://www.khanacademy.org/ . So what does this mean? It means that my goals of studying to PhD level might well be a pipe dream now. I do hold a masters degree in sociology, and I was hoping to further that if I can’t do astrophysics, but I can’t see how I can with the limited energy I have now. Getting up to make breakfast feels like an augean task most days.
I feel like I’ve lost who I am, my self, my inner ‘me’. Not only that but financially things are tricky now, what’s it going to be like if I lost my part time job?
I feel pretty done with it all right now 😦
I said to my partner last night, why couldn’t I have lost a leg, my eyesight, anything other than this unfix-able stupid bloody fatigue and pain! Yes it’s not fair, whinge whinge, that’s where I’m at 😦